i chose the wrong machine

i got to the gym on saturday and almost the entire back row of ellipticals was free. there were 2 women and 2 men spread among the probably 15 machines. there were more than enough machines for me to have an empty one on each side, but i wanted to be in front of a certain television, so i jumped onto an elliptical next to a woman on the phone. i put in my headphones and found the channel for cnn. all of a sudden i heard the woman next to me saying something. i took my headphone out of my right ear and said "what was that?"
"i have no idea how to use this thing! my sister just bought it for me and i have no idea how to use this stupid thing!"
she was referring to her iphone, which, i found out, she had just received that day.
let me tell you what else i found out.

"2009 has been such a rough year" for her. her last cell phone broke, she paid $100 to have it fixed, and "the fucking thing broke again." she has no money, so her sister bought her an iphone. her son was taken away from her today and is now in "the freak house." i believe she was referring to her ex-husband's house. ["do you know michael madsen? he's my ex. he's fucking crazy. drunk lunatic. bitter because he was supposed to be brad pitt." -give or take a few words-]

i looked down at her machine and saw that she had only been running for 8 minutes.
oy.

she proceeded to tell me all about the mess with her lawyers and about her dentist [?] and her doctor and how everyone is yelling at everyone and how she is allergic to second-hand smoke and no one will believe her, and how she missed her first audition in a year [for Cold Case] because she was sick, and how her doctor told her that she was only sick because of stress and that she should eat well and take care of her body ["even though it's really because of the smoke."] "what is it with these people? is it really just the town??" i said that yes, i thought it was just the town we lived in, and i asked her how long she had been here, thinking maybe she was new to the scene ["oh, pretty much my whole life."].

nicolas cage was on one of the tv's. "ugh, what a jerk. do you know he just kicked the mother of his son out of the house? their son just turned 18 and the day that he did, he kicked them out. he could've bought them a nice house in the hills and maybe given them a million dollars or something to set them up. but he didn't. 'get out my house NOW!!' and he gave them $1500. can you believe that??? i've been friends with this woman for 22 years, poor thing. and her son just attacked the paparazzi the other day and now he'll face jail time because he's 18. ugh and nicolas cage is not even attractive. he never was."

she asked me how many hours a day i work out and when i said not very many [uhh...one?] she asked me why. i said because i worked and had other things to do. she asked me if i had roommates. she asked me how i met my boyfriend. she asked where i went to school. she asked what liberal arts meant. she said she used to dance. she kept saying 'huh? huh? huh?' because she thought i was saying something when i actually wasn't. i was trying to elliptical.

she would stop pedaling when she had something really serious to say and she would look me right in the eye, sometimes touching my shoulder.

she went on for 21 minutes. i know this because i looked down at my machine when she abruptly left. she had received a phone call, had no idea how to answer it, had me do it for her, and then finally said 'hello?' after i said 'talk! say hello!' she then told whoever was on the phone that she was going to step outside. and with that she jumped off her machine, scooped up her pink towel from off of the floor, and left.

no 'see you later,' 'be back soon,' 'nice talking to you' or anything of the sort. which i was slightly surprised about, and then thought better of the situation and started to laugh. of course she wouldn't acknowledge me when she had something better to occupy her time with. it is, in fact, how the people in 'this town' operate. i kept looking behind me to see if she was coming back in the gym. i didn't see her again.

i wondered the entire time that we were talking if anyone else was seeing what was going on. did they know that a. this woman was crazy and b. i had no idea who she was and she was literally holding me captive? i laughed again at how funny we must have looked and then thought about how grateful i would have been if i had been in another's shoes and was watching my situation from afar. while i was in it, all i wanted was for her to stop talking and leave me alone. but now, well now i've got one more 'only in la' story for the books.



[i did think for quite awhile that maybe she was just one of those crazies that had done a lot of research and was able to lie through her teeth very very well.
so when i got home i did my own bit of research and found that this woman does exist. and that her name is jeannine bisignano. and that she was, in fact, married to michael madsen back in the day.]