why must you steal?

Dear Hermitage Thief,

Remember sometime last fall when our beirut table went missing? I bet you do, because you stole it. Yes, you came into the driveway, rummaged through the parking spots, and found the large piece of wood leaning up against the back wall. You must have known that table was back there. No one walks into a parking area you cannot see from the road unless they are looking for something in particular. Did you watch us at our party from across the way? I can imagine you were jealous. We sure were having a good time. Why didn't you just come over and join us? No need to steal, Thief.

Those apartments next door to us are bad news, and I assume this is where you live. Why am I making this assumption? Because in January, you stole my bike, too. My bike, hidden from the road. My bike, visible only to those of you who live in that complex next door. To the couple that is constantly screaming at each other: was it you? To the guy that is obsessed with Tim's motorcycle: you seem nice, but, I suppose it could have been you? To the old woman who complains when we party but who I secretly think is adorable: I don't think it was you, but at this point, everyone is a suspect.

It is May now, and while the memories of the realization that my bike was really gone still linger, I have moved on. Matt has gotten me a new bike [which is currently securely locked up in an undisclosed location] and we've purchased a ping pong table which is now used when the urge to throw ping pong balls into cups filled with beer should strike. I've come to grips with the fact that you had taken what you were going to take and you were now going to leave us alone. I was not ready to forgive OR forget, but I was ready to move past all this and get on with my life.

Until last night.

ANOTHER BIKE?? WHILE WE WERE AT HOME?!!
Now...NOW, Thief, you have gone too far.
Why did you need another bike? Was mine not good enough for you? My dad made that bike for me, you know. So why did you have to take Liz's bike? She so generously left it for us when she moved back east. Yes, you're right, the bike did a lot of sitting around. But it was used from time to time when someone needed a bike in a jiffy. Just the other day Matt was riding it up and down the street, catapulting himself off of it after skidding to abrupt stops. See? We use it. And AGAIN, the bike was even MORE hidden than mine was! Not only was it inside our parking area, but it was up against the wall in front of the cars. It was there when Bags and DT went to the grocery store, while Tim and I were inside, and it was gone an hour later. When did you do this? And do you have the powers of a ninja? Or a cat? A ninja cat, perhaps? How did we not hear you??? And how did you know it was there??? Old lady...I've got my eye on you.

But seriously, Thief, this was uncalled for. I am completely and utterly disappointed in you, and ready to snap your neck should I ever catch you. Please, return the bike unharmed and no one will get hurt.

In the meantime, go fuck yourself.

Love,
Me